“Stop borrowing trouble, Nancy!”
It’s what my grandmother said to me throughout my childhood. I was… am… always looking around corners to see the problems “coming.” Planning to fix things before the worst happened. I have always been in perpetual problem-solving mode. Ask any of my friends from high school or college. I frequently talked about plans to not only solve my own perceived problems but frankly, problems I thought they should be solving too (annoying, I know).
Now, at 58 years old – and after many decades of therapy, I know that problem-solving is an important coping mechanism for me. It’s how I turn traumatic situations into bearable ones. As long as I feel in control, I feel somewhat calm(er).
I thought about all of this as I searched for and then ordered my 23 and Me health test kit. Should I get the kit with 80+ genotyping reports, 150 reports? Heck no, I’m ordering the one with 190+ reports!
Now, at 58 years old – and after many decades of therapy, I know that problem-solving is an important coping mechanism for me. It’s how I turn traumatic situations into bearable ones. As long as I feel in control, I feel somewhat calm(er). I thought about all of this as I searched for and then ordered my 23 and Me health test kit. Should I go for the kit with 80+ genotyping reports, 150 reports? Heck no, I’m ordering the one with 190+ reports!
Stop Borrowing Trouble, Nancy
Action is my MO. You might say, it’s in my DNA 😉. It has truly been a valuable attribute in some areas of my life. It’s certainly what helped me achieve career success. At the age of twenty-four, I was working in a three-person organization and the Board fired my boss as the organization was being run into the ground.
The Chairman of the Board turned to me and asked whether I could run the group (what?!?!?!?!). Control during a scary time? Yes, thank you very much. Without skipping a beat, I said abso-f’ing-lutely. And for the next 34 years, I built a trade association in Washington, D.C. now employing 17 people.
I want to take the DNA test to learn what I can do to live longer and healthier. If there’s scary news, there’s scary news. But maybe, just maybe, I can do something to change the trajectory (control). Knowing for me is better than worrying about what might be. And worrying is lessened if there are options.
I am 100 percent Ashkenazi Jew. That puts me at a higher risk for several diseases, including cancer. My great aunt had breast cancer, my grandmother had cervical cancer, and my mother had cervical, breast and tongue cancer. So even though I get regular cancer screenings, I’m nervous.
29% of people of Ashkenazi descent with a family history of two or more cases of breast cancer carry one of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutations. 73% of Ashkenazi Jews with a family history of two or more cases of breast cancer and at least one case of ovarian cancer carry one of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutations – Melbourne Breast Cancer Surgery
Worrying Easy, Relaxing Hard
Because I’m a worrier, it’s challenging for me to relax. To enjoy life. I heard a saying once that truly landed with me.
Survivors of childhood trauma know how to handle trauma triggers.
It’s what we’re used to. Experiencing joy is harder. I’m always looking around corners because trouble is what I’ve always expected to find.
Like many of my generation, I read Tuesdays with Morrie and other similar stories teaching us to live in the moment. Enjoy small pleasures. I’ve downloaded meditation apps and gone to yoga classes. You get it, I’ve tried to control my desire to control everything.
Find the Glimmers, Not the Triggers
Recently, I watched an interview with Sara Sidner, a CNN reporter diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She says she’s never been happier. She’s treasuring every day. She’s not sweating the small stuff. She also talks about the advancement in medicine and how cancer isn’t a death sentence anymore, not by a long shot. This, I tell myself, is why I want to know. It’s what I’m banking on!
But, do we need to come close to death to experience joy? To finally realize how precious every single day is. Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone through one of the most difficult periods in my life. “Look Up,” by Joy Oladokun became my theme song. I listened to it every single morning. It helped.
So even though I’m feeling a bit lighter these days, why borrow more trouble now?
Besides me. Besides knowing for me. I want to know for my children. Because the most important thing I do, will ever do, is be a mother to my three wonderful children. Sadly, I know I have passed on some generational trauma to them, but am hoping I haven’t passed on worrisome DNA. But if I have, I want to give them the opportunity to know and live their lives to the fullest.
So, now I’ve spit in the tube, sealed the package. Mailed it in. I’ll be in the know. Be in control.
Time to meditate!
Genetic testing is a personal decision and there are many views about the risks and benefits. Read how Christy Marble views genetic testing.
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Thank you for this beautiful piece Nancy. Trauma responses are curious things. I will Look Up!
Thanks Cathy. It’s been a rough few years, but it’s like we have always been taught – what doesn’t kill us…. 🙂